Life, kids etc.

With great power comes great responsibility

Electric batterie brand Duracell.

A dangerous weapon in the hands of an imaginative child.

JUST a couple of years into being a parent, you develop what Peter Parker calls “spidey sense”.

Our four-year-old got my spidey sense tingling this morning when he walked into our bedroom at the crack of dawn and asked politely: “Can batteries break windows?”

Now that’s the kind of open-ended question that has the power to rouse you from your sleep instantly, isn’t it?.

To the uninitiated, ie the non-parent, it’s a plain enough question from an enquiring mind. But parents know it’s one of those iceberg questions – there is much more to it beneath the surface.

Experienced mums and dads know he wasn’t asking out of simple curiosity. Oh no. Our spidey sense and alertness to danger told us he was asking for a very clear reason. In fact, he may as well have declared: “I am planning something that is both off the wall and very possibly dangerous – that OK with you?”

Needless to say, both myself and my wife saw our parental spidey sense kick into overdrive and we sprung to attention.

Our many questions ended with: “And what are you hiding behind your back?”

To which he sheepishly revealed a handful of Duracell AAAs.

I have no idea where he got them.

We calmly explained that yes, batteries can break windows, and gave a gentle warning that whatever he was thinking of doing might not be such a good idea. He seemed happy with that and trotted off to leave us to catch up with our sleep.

I can only imagine he simply wanted to throw the batteries at the windows, for some reason. I’m not bothered what that reason is, though. One thing I have learnt over the past few years is not to spend too long wondering about what is going on in their tiny heads at times like this.

It pays not to worry too much about what type of window-battery madness they have dreamt up. Be zen about the whole thing, accept you will never understand their motivation for any oddball act and appreciate the fact your spidey sense alerted you to the danger which you were then able to avoid. Although that’s easy for me to say – not many parents are lucky enough to have such a sensible child. You know, one who checks with a grown up before hurling batteries at fragile glass. That’s what passes for sensible in a house with children.

UPDATE: When we went to put the TV on later that morning, we found the remote wasn’t working. Further investigation revealed the batteries had been removed.


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Why setting fire to capitalist pig dogs is the only answer

English: Terrorist Banker - PortoCartoon 2009,...

More pennies for the guy (in the pin stripe suit)

TONIGHT, at Farnworth Cricket Club‘s annual bonfire, there will be no guy on the top, burning away.
Instead, organisers have decided to set fire to an effigy of a banker, complete with pinstripe suit and bowler hat.
I think that’s disgusting. Burning an effigy of a banker? What an insult.
They should be setting fire to the real thing!
OK, it might be a little traumatic for some of the smaller kids if they did that but wow, people would be talking about it for years wouldn’t they!
Plus, it might make some of our hopelessly amoral city gents take a look over their shoulder the next time they decide to take a decision entirely driven by self interest and greed instead of for the good of the economy and the country – which is the whole reason they are so highly rewarded in the first place.
A few FTSE 100 company directors and chief executives could also get piled on there for me.
The one national news story that made me bleed out of my eyes with anger this week was about a report by a pay research company which found directors’ pay for the top companies went up 50 per cent in the past year. Chief executives saw their pay rise an average 43 per cent.Directors’ bonus payments, on average, rose by 23 per cent to not far off £1m.
Blimey, some of those firms must have done really well to be allowing bosses to be so handsomely rewarded, eh?
They must all be expanding massively and creating thousands of new jobs. Companies such as RBS, which saw its shares tumble by 38.9 per cent in the last quarter. Or BAE Systems which announced it was shedding 3,000 jobs in September. In fact, FTSE 100 companies collectively saw a 13.7 per cent fall in their value in the last three months. And if that’s not a reason to give the bosses untold riches, then what is?
Where else is such failure rewarded so brilliantly though?
Can you imagine hospitals paying bonuses to drunken surgeons for carelessly lopping off perfectly healthy body parts; or ships’ captains being given a holiday home on a small Caribbean island, as a thank you for running their boats aground? No, nor can I.
Really, we should be more furious about this, as a nation, than we are.
If this was France we’d be setting fire to sheep by now AT LEAST!
But it’s not, so we burn a large sock-stuffed puppet in Farnworth instead. Or sleep in a pop up tent outside St Paul’s Cathedral for a few days.
That’ll show the capitalist pig dogs we mean business! Apart from the ones with shares in tent companies, obviously. They’ll more likely be rubbing their hands with glee. Which is sort of ironic really.
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